Interesting poem, reminds me of ~ missedpoints's style a bit. It's hard to give a critique, because if I'd edit this, I'd change the linebreaks, punctuation and some other things to match my own style (resulting in a poem someone like hers), but it wouldn't be yours.

I like the structure and most of the imagery, but I'd like to make this more "poetic" (and by that I don't mean wannabe-artistic). Eg. "paper torn from notebooks" would turn into "notebook paper" in my hands and "tossed casually aside." would become "casually tossed aside". I might entirely ditch the second line of the first stanza.

"what myths are made of." sounds somewhat corny to me. Perhaps "material for myths" or something would sound better? I don't know. The period after "colleges" looks too strong, I'd change it to comma or colon or something. "7 am, flannel sheets" might be nicer without the comma, it would create something new. The third stanza rocks, it seems stronger and more lyrical than the others.

The one-sentence mini stanzas are good and give a nice pacing to the poem. "and but for a few proud statements to well-chosen ears," sounds too heavy to me, the particles in particular. I'm not too fond of the next line and I might remove some commas from that stanza. The ending sounds nice, I'd turn it into "The film is dusty / and waiting to be developed.", but that's my own style talking through again.

I actually, very surprisinly, agree with a few of the things your previous commentor said. Ditch the second line--the repetition doesn't strengthen the poem. And the "what myths are made of" does seem corny/cliched, though I'd replace it with something lighter than "material for myths."
I also sort of though "seven am flannel sheets" should be one thought.

I'd leave the last line as a single unit but without the comma.
Letsee, what else?

I dunno. Did I point any of this out via email? Probably not, I'm such a slacker, but things look so different at different hours.

--
do your part. love your mother.

Of course you didn't say any of this via email *smile* Speaking of which, the poem has already changed somewhat.

I'm rather attached to the second line. The pun doesn't really need to be drawn out, I guess...but I don't know. I'm attached to the flow of it. Possibly from an emotional stand-point. Mattie and I were rather disappointed to find out that he never actually did anything with the film.

I also think if I combine 7 am and flannel sheets, the rest of the list won't work as well. I could maybe do "7 am with flannel sheets" and go on from there.

I could change "what myths are made of" to "myth-makers". I do love alliteration, after all.

I do agree about the last line comma, come to think of it. I can take out the comma, or take out the "and". *ponders*

You always change your mind.

*smile*

I like this because it's unkempt; shuffling, shambling, slippers and all. It's sloppy, lots of other slippery S words. I love the line "Aluminum Crabs Making Love" (all caps for no reason whatsoever), because its so perfectly surreal, and is so perfectly evocative of most 'modern' corporate sculpture.

I see what *diamondie is getting at, even if she doesn't. What she wants is for you to be more conscious of the economy of your poem. I think she has a point, even if she's not sure how or why she's making it. The poem hums between slovenly and economic, and I think that taking it in a conscious direction would help focus the poem, even if that focus is reflected in its lazy sunday nature, which is what I enjoyed about the whole matter.

For more specific advice: in the line The car was running, heat on, safe haven. I think safe haven is over-stating it, being too blunt, redundant. I'm from San Diego and the line still evoked the satisfaction of a warm car on a cold day; you don't need safe haven. Second, the pun on proof is good, and might be more cleverly evolved, though I'm not sure about it.

All in all, a good first effort.

A.

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